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The Will to Do




What exactly is will? I've never thought about it much until it was gone from my life- and now I barely have any will to stitch my days together. This is something that was brought up in therapy, a name to the entity I had been seeking for quite some time now. Looking for motivation no longer concerns me, because it seems so superficial in comparison. How do I bring will back into my life? I do want it back, but everything I want seems like abstract ideas on another plane without 'will' to back them up. I used to think I lacked discipline (which I majorly do). but it still wasn't quite explaining what was going on. I come alive in the barest of moments and then it disappears again. Whatever this it is. At a bird's-eye view, my life has gotten so much better over the years, but whatever was broken then is still broken now despite the bettering of my circumstances. It's a me-thing then, not a world-thing anymore. I no longer have anyone or anything to blame and it's driving me crazy trying to figure out how I can bring the will to live life well. I've pushed myself to the breaking point so many times that my mind has given up any semblance of wanting to put in the effort to live life after all the anxiety it has gone through. And this is a problem. As time goes by, I realise I am dysfunctional in a way, with everything threatening my sanity gone my mind has just shut down. I have no clue how to bring it back up and running, and most times I don't even feel the need to do so.

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